William T. Everlearn
This is a subject that is near and dear to me. A subject that I am intimately familiar with. I speak with the knowledge of decades of empirical experience. I have read many books on the subject with widely varying opinions on the origin, treatment and the very nature of this personality trait. Notice I do not call it a defect for we are all narcissists to a greater or lesser extent. While I have no illusions that no more than a few people will ever read these pages, the narcissist in me wants to be the next author to go viral. These sort of tendencies are normal and that narcissistic component of our makeup keep us from becoming entire complacent. On the other extreme a narcissist can rewrite history, facts and even reality in their own minds to make them the center of attention or the hero of the day. Most of us fall somewhere in between. I do not discount the damage a narcissist can do in any relationship. To this I bring up the simple point that life is 10% what happens and 90% how we react. It has only been in the last number of years have I learned that, with the proper knowledge and learning, one can interact successfully with an extreme narcissist. However, my introduction to the subject was rather turbulent and nearly cost me my life. I quote Bob Seger, “I wish is didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then.”
As I see it, the origins of the narcissist are quite simple. There is an old quote whose origin escapes me, “No generalization is entirely accurate, not even this one.” I have read pretty extensively on the subject. Some things I agree with, some things, as they say, are way out in left field. I will refer almost entirely to my own empirical observations. I reserve the right to return to these qualifications for improvement, addition or deletion. All of that being said, I now turn to the meat of the issue.
Picture this, we are little critters running around the grass lands Serengeti developing instinctive traits to ensure the survival of the species. Who among us is the most vulnerable in that environment? The young who are dependent on their elders for food, direction and any support that can be offered. Even with all possible support, it is still a challenging time where most did not survive. A full stomach and protected life are very favorable assets in terms of survival. By nature and instinct, for the young to survive, being demanding of those around them increase the odds of survival for the species as a whole. In this more evolved day, we still see this trait in many of the Emotional Maturity Scales, Maps and Stages published and peer reviewed by a great number of authors. In this context it makes a great deal of sense. Going through all the stages ending in empathy, even today, is an arduous journey with little or no recognition. No ceremony delineating the point where we finally recognize the idea that others have needs and feelings too. Others are not just devices to fulfill our demands to service us.
In my observation a narcissist is some who stopped maturing at a relatively young age. In that state of arrested emotional maturity they are stuck in the mindset of any thing from a toddler to a young teenager. All they know in life is that others are mere devices to service their needs. Add to this the years of interacting with their years on interacting with adults as their bodies mature. Since they are interacting with animated objects instead of feeling beings, they learn how to manipulate to get their needs fulfilled. The idea that their ends may not coincide with others does not come in to the equation since the others are simply animated caricatures of themselves. To this end the only memories, feelings, facts and histories that deserve recognition are their own. The true narcissist can rewrite history in their own minds. This is quite common to the human race as a whole. The difference is that the narcissist believes in their own version of reality. Given a lie detector, they would pass simply because it is their belief. As parents, many of us have seen the usually brief phase of maturation in our own children. As a parent it makes us worry, however most of the time it is short term and leaves briefly as the child is faced with actual evidence. In my estimation it is a normal step in the evolutionary process from a child’s mentality to the emotional maturity of an adult. In the true narcissist, this maturation process is arrested and abates only slightly as they don the guise of a mature individual. In short, remembering something that is as opposed to how they want it to be is an act.
We parents have all faced manipulation from our children. Some of identify it and address it directly by refusing and correcting the manipulator. Some fall very deeply in to the clutches of the manipulative child. In the event of the latter, most children outgrow the manipulation when they find it usually fails at some point in their peer group. Most people will find that being manipulated is offensive. The majority of the children in this group outgrow the manipulation as they find they are loosing friends. The narcissist find this as well as the progress through the years. The difference is they learn how to perfect their people using skills. The art of manipulating with out the other know they are being manipulated or finding out too late and they are in too deep. The adept skill a 7 year old camouflaged in an adult or even middle aged body can not be underestimated.
This brings us to the final point I am going to make about real narcissists. What can we do for them? Sadly, there is very little we can do for them. In my research, various sources provide a staggeringly wide range of possibilities. A small percentage of the sources suggest that the prognosis is not at all bad. With the right kind of therapy, any level of narcissism can be shown the light and that people are sentient beings with their own feelings, wants and desires. Most of the sources suggest a much grimmer likely hood. Only a small percentage of real narcissists will recognize the humanity in the automatons that surround them. I will state that my experience is all empirical. My experience includes no more than a few real narcissists at most. Some of the relationship have been quite long. It took me most of my life in decades to discover the true nature of our relationships. I will say in short, it very nearly destroyed me spurring me on to understand why. (I will delve in to my need to know why in later writings) I have found, for myself that the only true resolution to the narcissistic relationship is termination. In my case, running for my life.
The narcissists I have known have resisted documented proof of their actions. They have resisted even understanding that their action have caused others harm and injury. I have found that the narcissists will always view themselves as the victim of another. Then they have the ammunition of being hurt as fodder for more manipulation. At some point I will share some of my anecdotal stories of my experiences but for now just let me finish by saying, They are just children. Damaged children but children nonetheless. The do what they do because it is their character. If a person has epilepsy or some sort of psychosis can you find them at fault? No, it is not their fault. Sometimes a traumatic event arrests their emotional maturity. Sometimes it is their upbringing. Sometimes, I think, they are just born that way. It is not their fault, we all just need to learn how to deal with the narcissistic person.
Then there is the single most important point that I saved for last. How did I get sucking into the sphere of a narcissist? A fair question. The answer is that I am what is known as an empath. I do not mean a science fiction magical wonder, I often am able to pick up on the feelings of others to an almost painful degree. Body language, expressions, intonations and spoken queues speak very loudly to me. I am also a fixer, I have to try to fix everything from mechanical devices to people. It took me until late in life to finally understand that I can not fix a person. A narcissist lives in pain and terror. The very pain that caused them to stop maturing emotionally. The terror that their false bravado will crumble. I was taken in by the idea that I could fix those people. I had hope that someone I loved could be led out of the darkness that wrapped their psyche. I could sense the “Lost and Alone in the Woods” feeling emanating from them. I had to be there to fix them. It was like a spell. It took me decades to finally arrive at the truth, the reason they allowed me to hang around was to fix everything else for them. I was blind to the manipulation. I was blind to the fact that a real narcissist lives in a dark place of pain fear and loss. The deserve pity for their lives are as miserable as any we could make for ourselves.
We need to recognize the narcissist and mitigate their power by not engaging with them and allowing the power of manipulation. They are not bad people. They are scared, tormented little children. There is little hope for their recovery. The first thing on the road to recover for a narcissist is recognizing that characteristic in themselves. This is not likely due to the fact they have spent their whole lives building the avatar they hide behind. It is well built and very strong. It has to be. Consider an emotional child competing in a world of adults. Every interaction builds the defenses. The fear they feel drives the walls higher and higher. We can not treat them with disdain. We can not condemn them for they are mere children. We need to recognize them, pity them and avoid the tentacles of manipulation.
